"...the bullying husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend who appears to suddenly change from nice to violent has lost confidence in his or her ability to effectively defend or justify his or her own selfishness, so s/he resorts to "changing the rules", in order to control the situation."
Interview with JD Houston of http://www.weibfm.com/ about Domestic Violence
(originally aired on Nov. 11, 2009)
JD: Good morning Djata.
Djata: Say Brother. How ya doin’?
JD: Hey Man, it’s all about you.
Djata: Yeah, me and them chickens.
JD: Djata, what is the primary point that people need to appreciate, so that they either stop being victims of domestic violence or so that they don’t become victims of it?
Djata: JD, the most important thing to understand about domestic violence has to do with your relationship with a loved one. That is, if someone loves you, that person never ever thinks of bringing violence your way. Consequently, if you have a beef with someone who you care about and who cares about you, the only thought that either of you will have is to cut off communication. So, you say to yourself, “I’m not gonna answer that phone call or e-mail”, or whatever. In other words, the thought is never to do something hurtful, much less harmful, to the other person. Again, one or both of you just cuts off communication.
In any case, if someone brings violence your way, whatever you thought your relationship was with that person, you were dead wrong. From there, you must deal with it. Otherwise, you’ll be victimized, in some way. And it doesn’t have to be male versus female. As a matter of fact, I’ve taught a number of women, over the years – and still do - who either were or are married to or involved with an abusive partner of either "gender". And we should be clear on how we define violence, since it isn't always “physical”. It can be emotional, financial, and even spiritual,
Also, people need to understand that motherly, fatherly, sisterly, and brotherly love can be unconditional. However, erotic love can never be, since the whole way that a couple decides to enter into such a relationship is, at once, built on conditions of physical attraction and so forth. Therefore, when talking about domestic violence, we have to consider the fact that there are women marrying women these days. For years, I’ve been getting females at my school who are in abusive relationships or have been, so they want to learn how to fight. So it’s not so much an issue of the gender of the sbuser as it is understanding the nature of “erotic love”.
JD: This whole thing about Rihanna and Chris Brown has really brought the issue of “domestic violence” out into the open. Why do so many women put up with that kind of treatment?
Djata: There are a number of reasons for that, JD. And in fact, it really has less to do with gender, as it were, and more to do with people not having a “sense of self”, because they have not discovered their inner powers.
JD: What do you mean by a “sense of self”?
Djata: A “sense of self” means that you know yourself. That is, you know how you’ll respond to any particular situation that has to do with either helping you or hurting you, because you have the integrity to keep a promise to yourself, so you’re able to distinguish a good mate from a bad one. However, it’s not easy sometimes, even for those who really have a “sense of self”. Sometimes, people try to give a person more benefit of the doubt than he or she deserves.
JD: And what do you mean by inner powers?
Djata: Well, for example, capabilities like concentration, memory, and discipline are actual powers, not some type of character attributes. And if we exercise our powers regularly, we can have them for all of our lives. Of course, we have sensuous powers too that are often trivialized as being the so-called “five senses”.
Also, it’s through the development of their powers and the sense of the value of those powers that people begin to see their own potential to change, for the better, any environment in which they’re a part, not only for themselves but for the ones they either love or may come to love.
JD: Now, back to a “sense of self”, could you elaborate on that a little more?
Djata: Sure. A “sense of self” is a state of being as opposed to a state of possessing, that is based upon two premises. They are: 1) That a person knows what it’s like to be alone. And 2) That you know what it’s like to be alone and accomplish goals on your own. In other words, you have used your inner powers to overcome the lonesomeness and separateness that is an unavoidable part of human life and accomplished something with your own capabilities. That, of course, is about what real independence is. Independence is not a 16 yeas-old girl getting pregnant and getting her own welfare check, which has been the sentiment of far too many young girls, especially those who come from lower middle class families.
Another way of putting it is: you can sleep beside a person for twenty years; however, you each still feel lonesome and separate. After all, no one can either eat or go to the bathroom for you. Moreover, this lonesomeness and separateness makes us constantly attempt to form unions with each other. So, we join gangs. We accept abusive relationships. We give up our independence, just to be part of something that doesn't serve either ourselves or humanity.
So, by having a “sense of self” and using your inner powers, one begins to gain confidence in herself or himself. That allows this person to develop genuine self-esteem. And so in the area of self-defense that means the person will keep a promise to herself or himself not to be victimized by anyone.
JD: Earlier, you mentioned self-esteem. What do you mean by that?
Djata: That’s a good question, JD. A lot of people confuse self-esteem with self-pride. Self-pride is a silly, meaningless mask that people wear, in order to make people think that they are something other than who they truly are. And so the person who is beaming with self-pride wears fancy clothes and maybe has a fancy car or whatever. Yet, that same person may be engaging in the most devious kinds of behavior to pay for that stuff, be s/he a drug dealer or slumlord.
On the other hand, the person with genuine “self-esteem” bases her or his worth on the real contributions that s/he makes to her or his community and society. Do you understand?
Besides, getting back to “self-pride”, as Khalil Gibran insisted and I agree with him, “You can’t control what others think of you; only you can control what you think of you.” Dig?
JD: But what if the person fools them. In other words, what if the guy is usually nice or has never come off so aggressively before? I mean, a lot of times these girlfriend- or wife-beaters seem to be guys whose male co-workers or friends are in disbelief that their friend is that type of violent person. What’s that all about?
Djata: Well, that’s something that I used to wonder about too, JD. The answer came to me, back in the late Nineties. It was during the same time that women’s rights advocates were concerned about the affect that Welfare Reform would have on domestic violence. That is, there was concern that many women would stay in abusive relationships, if they couldn’t get any government support, for example, like welfare, if they left their abusive mates. Consequently, in September of 1997, a national conference was held on that subject on the campus of Northwestern University, in Evanston, Illinois, right outside of Chicago. I was asked to send an abstract, regarding my take on why abusers are often, especially, are men who don’t seem to be violent, at least with other men, that is. My abstract was accepted and I delivered a paper at the conference.
At any rate, JD, women are, generally-speaking, socialized to “not hit”. That is, they may pitch a fit, throw stuff, or whatever; however, if caught in a vicious physical confrontation with a male, most of the time, the female, unfortunately, will give in to the attacker.
Knowing this, the batterer, female or male, takes on a new role in her or his bid to gain control of the situation. Please remember, the whole battering thing is about control. Well, guess what? Boxing is about “controlled” fear. After all, you never see a boxer come out with the hands down. Rather, the hands are up, hiding the chin.
So, back to the batterer, s/he suddenly becomes either Muhammad or Leila Ali. Moreover, when a boxer is fighting, whether Leila or her father Muhammad Ali, s/he doesn’t just throw punches; rather, the entire time that the round is happening, s/he is thinking of things to do and saying to herself or himself things like, “I’m gonna sit down under that punch and come back with a left hook”, for example. In other words, every move and punch is planned ahead of time, just as one does when playing chess, checkers, or a card or board game. Therefore, just as Leila Ali will say to herself, “All right, I’m gonna slip the jab to my head and come back with a right cross to the temple”, the batterer says to herself or himself, “The next time she says that, I’m gonna knock her upside the head”. In other words, like Ali in the boxing ring, all of the sudden, the batterer sees herself or himself in control.
JD: So how can a woman or girl deal with a seemingly nice boyfriend, lover, or mate who suddenly starts giving off mean and aggressive vibes?
Djata: Well, first of all, never let a mean-looking expression scare you. It’s only a look, nothing else. That look means nothing. The purpose of the look is to intimidate you. If the person thinks that you’re intimidated, s/he may come closer to you, in order to do something. In that case, just stare back at the person, right in his eyes, to show that you’re not intimidated. In other words, “nip it the bud” from Jump Street, as it were, because there are plenty of guys, especially, who will try the same thing with other dudes too, not just females.
Also, at that time, that will make the guy begin considering the fact that there may be consequences, if the situation gets any deeper. There are more responses though. That’s where fighting techniques are good to know. And you can employ the techniques, even if you don’t like to fight. Remember, you have a duty and responsibility to maintain your well-being for all of those who you love and who love you. Again, this is where having a “sense of self” comes in.
JD: But what do you do, if someone just grabs you?
Djata: Well, strangely enough, the only reason that humans can grab is because we have thumbs. And that exposes a real paradox about human life, because apes were here millions of years before us, but they don’t have thumbs. If they did, then the Hollywood trilogy called “Planet of the Apes” would be a documentary, instead of a parody, as it is. Isn’t that funny? It’s an accident of nature. We have thumbs.
However, the laws of physics prevail. Two forces can’t occupy the same space at the same time, so you can break all holds, by simply breaking the hold at the point of the thumb. And it doesn’t require any more strength than that of a first-grader, in many cases, no matter how big the assailant is.
Moreover, whether it’s someone grabbing you or striking you with their hands or a weapon, please remember, whether you fight back or not, your opponent will still attack you. Therefore, you have to fight back, because, by doing so, the attacker has to be concerned about defense – not just offense. Ya, dig?
I mean, you may just run. However, you must never cower and beg! It’s better to risk being harmed by fighting back, than allowing yourself to be violated. I can assure you that you will feel good about yourself for doing so. You will be empowered! Plus, fighting back means that you’ll be harmed less, if at all.
By the way, anyone interested in learning some fighting techniques can contact me by phone at (413) 341-5550 or hit up my Website www.westernmassboxing.com and secure my e-mail address.
JD: Do you have many female boxers training with you right now?
Djata: Yes, I have a number of female students, right now. I usually do. In fact, out of over 2600 individuals who I’ve taught over the past 21-plus years, and that doesn’t include the troops that I trained in Iraq a few years back, I’ve taught over 600 females, ages 6 to 57, from “shrinking violets” to karate black belts. All of them can fight now, of course. As a matter of fact, when the award-winning movie “Million Dollar Baby” premiered in Boston several years back, the Boston Herald called me, 100 miles away, even though they have about 200 boxing trainers in the eastern part of New England. At any rate, 40% of the text of the article, which was featured on page 3 of the Herald, was from the interview with me and one of my students at the time, Colleen Ford, about the fighting female.
JD: So what is the message that you want to leave all of our female listeners with?
Djata: JD, women will have to raise their daughters, nieces, and female grandchildren to see themselves as equals to everyone else, male or female. By not feeling lesser, they will learn to take chances both physically and intellectually. That will cause them to develop a “sense of self”. Therefore, they will discontinue any relationship where their love is not appreciated, without fear of losing financial or social status, much less their physical and/or mental health.
JD: What you’re saying then is: the problem for abused women actually begins in childhood. So what should parents, guardians, teachers and other elders do?
Djata: Please remember, young people want to accomplish things because they want to express their love for those who love them. They want to be able to say, "I did good today!" and have someone praise them for it. So there’s no room in this for failure. That is, parents and teachers must not allow their charges to fail. I don’t allow my students to fail! I have never done that! Therefore, all three of my children and all of my thousands of students over the years, whether with academics or boxing, have only experienced success with me.
Most importantly, if a child is in school and trying, it is the responsibility of the teachers and parents to encourage, motivate and inspire that youngster. Doing so will give the child a successful experience. As a result, the child will have something upon which to build.
So, again, young folks need to look at their successes and build on them. It is not about comparing the child to someone else. It is about helping the child develop skills to accomplish something meaningful to herself or himself.
JD: So it’s about building confidence rather than ego.
Djata: That’s right. Besides, ego is something that someone deludes themselves into believing about themselves, based upon what s/he thinks that other people think about her or him. After all, Michael Jackson was struttin’ his stuff for years, then it came out that he was into molesting young boys. Suddenly, he was trying to stay out of the limelight. The ego doesn’t belong to you, because it shrinks real quickly, if you’re exposed in any way to embarrassment.
Confidence, on the other hand, as my brother Eshu likes to say, "provides a place for self- esteem to grow". It is having a sense of how to proceed in a given situation, whether that is defending oneself from violence or defending ones position politically or just accomplishing a task.
JD: Something that I wanted to mention has to do with the images and the ideas that young people are receiving from the mainstream media. Does the media play a role in the proliferation of domestic violence?
Djata: They have to. The main job of the mainstream media, after all, is to promote the entire economic and social system. To be sure, whereas the “market” controls what, where, when, and how people get whatever it is that they need or want, that means that people have to enter into specific relationships with others, in order to acquire those needs and wants just mentioned.
Consequently, everything is defined by the “market”. Therefore, how people relate to one another is included.
Moreover, all relationships in the “market” are based upon power and greed. And when I say greed, I mean sexual greed expecially.
As a result of the greed, many people in this society grow into the "survival mode". They’re barely making it. Y’know what I’m sayin’? So they become selfish and larcenous, trying just to grab whatever corner of the "pie" they can get. It's completely unnecessary.
So, for the most part, unfortunately, we’re raising a generation of "tricksters"; that is, people playing games with others, at the expense of the latter. Of course, it’s the “market” that desires this turn of events, because the “market” is insatiable. Therefore, it wants us to consume at all costs, because that serves the greed of those in control of the “market”, from lottery tickets to casinos to the Stock Exchange to violence against females, whether in the movies, tv, or hip-hop records. To the people in control of that stuff, it doesn't matter if it destroys the society, because greed is always short sighted.
JD: Finally, what message do you want to leave with women who may be listening and are currently suffering in an abusive relationship?
Djata: JD, men and women who play that role are punks. But what is a man and what is a woman? These are silly constructs that reveal nothing about either a person’s character or ability. The two sexes are different, but that difference has no bearing on the ability of someone from either sex to be a competent person for any family, community, or society.
So women should appreciate the fact that they never have to worry about these cowardly batterers to the point where you don’t act upon their aggression towards you. Besides, like my Daddy always told me, “When you’re angry, you can’t respect the other person’s anger”.
Most importantly though, women who are being abused should understand that the bullying husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend who appears to suddenly change from nice to violent has lost confidence in his or her ability to effectively defend or justify his or her own selfishness, so s/he resorts to "changing the rules", in order to control the situation. But, if you can't take the criticism, you deny the other person's right to criticize. And again, it doesn't even have to be “physical” violence. Regardless, it's the same lame game. Ya dig?
JD: All right, brother. Thanks, for stoppin’ by. It was a pleasure having you.
Djata: JD, the pleasure’s mine. I’m sure. Peace.
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