Boys - and Girls - need Fathers too!

"It's not just every BOY who needs a great Father - every GIRL does too!"


Dear friends,

It's not just every BOY who needs a great Father - every GIRL does too! And when I say "great Father", I mean a REAL MAN...That is, one who, in spite of his relationship to the child's Mother or whether or not She is even around, will show love to his child(ren), by educating himself in many areas, constantly, then teaching and guiding him/her/them through any number of issues on life's journey to adulthood, so that each one of his progeny is able to develop a "sense of self", as s/he grows up to be his or her own parent, while always being able to reflect, in moments of either confusion or inexperience, and say to himself or herself, "What would Dad do?" 

 One Love! 

 G. Djata Bumpus Read full post

Is Fatherhood an African American Problem?

Dear friends, 

 There is, constantly and consistently, talk about the need for more fathers in African American households (as if European American and other households don't have a problem with their young).

However, at least to me, the problem with far too many of the guys of my generation, that is, World War II baby-boomers, is: too many cats are confused about being mature adults So what do you expect their sons (and daughters) to be like? 

The two photos here show images that are not only stored forever in the unconsciousness of every person who is looking at them, but more importantly, they are etched just as permanently in the minds of both the fathers and their sons here. 

 Moreover, because the "market" determines both the values of our society, as well as how we acquire the material means by which We subsist, it also affects how, why, what and when We consume whatever it is that we either need or desire.

For example, most of today's television sitcoms, from Two and a Half Men to The First Family To The Big Bang Theory show silly, immature males as the "latest models" for young men and women to consume/emulate. This whole idea of boys and girls never growing up also plays itself out in the behavior of many of Our professional athletes these days. 

To be sure, this is lucrative for those who control the "market". However, once We learn how to build genuine communities that are based upon nurturing Our youth in a way that makes them know that they not only have a vested interest in the continuation of the culture, but, as well, will further the process by preparing for those who've yet to come, then the tables will be turned and the "market" will reflect the values of Our society, instead of the exact opposite as it does right now. Ya dig? Peace. 

 G. Djata Bumpus Read full post

My First Born - Kwame Sekou Lumumba Bumpus

"And still, to this day, even some of the people who have known me for ages ask only about my son, with absolutely no mention of my daughters."








Above, Djata Bumpus, an
undefeated amateur
boxer at the time, holding
3 months-old son
Kwame,
in July of 1975.







Kwame with Dad,
moments after
his first of
two television fights
in 2001.

Dear friends,

Not long ago, on the Website of middleweight boxer Tony Jeter (who fought my son on ESPN Friday Night Fights, back in November of 2001), talking about his career, Jeter wrote,

"I have two losses; Kwame Bumpus was a blue chipper who could beat anyone from 154 to 165 in this area hands down. He was nothing but the truth and I don’t even know what happened to that guy. He just disappeared. I heard stories that he was locked up or that he had been shot, who knows? But, the guy was a good, good fighter. (Bumpus fought in 2001 and 2002. His last fight came on April 18th, 2002. His professional record stands at 6-0-1, 1 KO.)"








Kwame after a workout at
Joe Frazier's Gym
in North Philly (2001).

I named him after Dr. Kwame Nrumah of Ghana, Sekou Toure of Guinea, and Patrice Lumumba of the Congo - the three chief pioneers of the African Revolution that is still going on and is worldwide in its nature and scope. Moreover, Kwame Bumpus, today his 39th birthday, my eldest child and only son, to be sure, is far from deceased and is never in jail, as is suggested on Tony Jeter's Website. He is the oldest of my three progeny. Additionally, six years older than Namandje and ten years older than Tia, he was always their idol growing up, as both of his sisters learned to excel at everything that he did, including intellectually and academically, as well as sports-wise through boxing, track & field, and basketball. (except Tia in soccer, instead of basketball.)

Kwame's career as a champion, with his voluminous collection of newspaper and television clippings, began when he was 13 years-old. A year after moving my family to Amherst, Massachusetts from South Philly, because of Philly's lousy schools in 1987 (at the time, Kwame was going into the seventh grade and Namandje was starting the first grade), at the end of the summer of 1988, Kwame, playing against all grown men, won the New England Chess Open (Class D). Incidentally, beginning at seven years-old, he learned to not only play chess, but more or less mastered it, under the tutelage of my brother, his Uncle Eshu. Of course, I was his regular opponent with whom he practiced, until I could no longer beat him by age 13.

Only a couple of weeks later, as an eighth-grader, he was allowed to run varsity track (a sprinter) for the local high school. In his senior year (1993) he won the Western Mass. 100 meter Championship and the Western Mass. High School Chess Championship. By the way, his high school, allowed me to be his personal track coach, since as a family tradition, myself and almost all of my five brothers ran track in high school.

During the summer of 1993, before he went to college, he attended the world-renowned Red Auerbach Basketball Camp at Brandeis University, just outside of Boston. It was only a week or so long, but when I went to pick him up, along with his sports bag, he was holding two big trophies and a photo. One trophy was for "Best Guard" at the camp. The second was the team trophy, because his team won the camp's championship for the 150 guys from around the world who were split up into teams.

As well, he had a picture of himself and the now late, great Red Auerbach (who called Kwame "Little Jordan"). The photo was actually a prize that was offered to all of the 150 guys just mentioned who had attended the camp. However, Kwame was the only one of the entire bunch who stayed on the Honor Roll for the entire previous year. By the way, at @5' 10", weighing @157lbs., Kwame has been bench-pressing well over 300lbs. , ever since he was 16 years-old. He has run the 200 meter sprint as fast as 20.1 seconds - fully automatic. Over 20 years later, he still holds 13 records in track and field at his high school. And he can dunk a basketball.

Meanwhile, earlier, as a senior in high school, Kwame was sought after by about 400 colleges and universities (@300 for academics and @100 for track). After an NCAA-regulated visit, he chose the Florida Gators and accepted an athletic scholarship. There, he ran the lead leg of the bronze medal winning Gators in the 400x400 meters relay at the SEC Championships, during his sophomore year (1994-5).

Nevertheless, although he was doing fine academically-wise at the University of Florida, he really wanted to box. So, he called me and asked me if he could come back home and start a boxing career. I have always supported my children, even if I wasn't crazy about what they wanted to do, as long as it was legal.

Now, while each of my three children, on the second birthday, has received his or her first boxing lesson, I never allowed them to compete, even sparring in the gym, until they were 16 years-old (although I allowed Tia, at 15, to spar with Jackie Frazier - and she gave Jackie a fit - prior to the latter's first match with Laila Ali).

Kwame was now 20. He literally swept through amateur boxing with a 43-7 record (where he was robbed horribly 7 times). Meanwhile, for a couple of years, my old friend and former boxing manager, the now late great Smokin' Joe Frazier, had wanted to manage Kwame as a pro. Kwame, having known Joe all of his life, wanted the same. However, in time, Kwame was feeling neglected, as Jackie Frazier-Lyde, Joe's daughter (an attorney who is now a Philly judge), was getting all of the attention for her short but lucrative career. In May of 2001, Kwame called me about it. I asked him what kind of contract he had signed with Joe. He told me that because Joe and I were such longtime good friends, they just did it on a handshake. I told him to leave Joe then. He did.

After all, I was disappointed with how Joe had handled, Kwame's career, especially since a year and a half earlier Joe had called me on his speakerphone with both Kwame and his son Marvis sitting there, while Joe asked me to give him my blessings in managing Kwame, for almost 2 hours, before I conceded and said "Yes".

Kwame would travel to New Jersey where his close friend Olympic bronze medalist Terrance Cauthen, who had left Joe's "stable" earlier, lived. He stayed with Terrance and his small family for a while, training and fighting for another year.

During that time, he became interested in Islam. Having been raised in a non-theist (as opposed to atheist) home that still had strong Christian values, he felt a connection. Over the next four years, living in Boston, his birthplace, he worked and saved up a bunch of money, and in the Fall of 2006, moved to Egypt, before sneaking into Yemen (which is considered the center of Muslim scholarship worldwide). He stayed in Yemen, for a couple of years, then returned to the US, after renouncing Islam and all religions, as he and his two younger sisters had been raised by me to do. He was recruited by the US Army, as he is fluent in Arabic. He has since served a tour of duty in Afghanistan, just arriving back in the States in January of 2013, and has resumed regular contact with his two siblings, Namandje and Tia.

At any rate, I decided to tell his story, besides making Tony Jeter and other boxing people aware, because I concentrate a lot on mentioning my daughters on my blog and on Facebook, due to the fact that male offspring always seem to get notice over their female siblings. And still, to this day, even people who have known me for ages ask only about my son, with absolutely no mention of my daughters. Moreover, I love all three of them equally, inasmuch as I love each of them specially. Ya dig? Cheers!

G. Djata Bumpus Read full post

Are Males better athletes than Female Ones?

Clarissa Shields, 2012 Olympic Gp;d Medalist in Boxing

"...the idea that equality means sameness is precisely the argument/excuse for systems of exploitation and oppression like sexism and racism." 

Dear friends, 

One hot summer day, about 21 years ago, while coaching all three of now grown children at a regional Junior Olympics track & field championship meet, I remember standing next to a middle-aged European American guy who boasted, “I’d like to see one of those girls get down on the line with Carl Lewis”. I looked at him with astonishment, then quickly replied, “Well, actually, YOU can’t beat either Carl Lewis or any of those girls in a race – nor can most men…In fact, my 12 years-old daughter will smoke you in a race, right now.” 

The fellow’s mouth dropped open. Apparently, he was used to getting some sort of silly male “bonding”, when he made such inane remarks.

Look. Someone like Lisa Leslie can beat just about anybody, male or female, pro, amateur, or street - in a game of basketball. Okay? Moreover, please do not make a claim to someone else’s ability, as if it belongs to you. That type of behavior reminds me of a guy who walks down the street with a growling dog on a leash, while maintaining a scowl on his own face, as if he is a mean, bad dude. In other words, he is playing off of the dog’s ferocity, as if that disposition is natural (the mean face) to him. However, in reality, if you see that same cat without the dog, his whole personality is different. Right? That is, when he's by himself without the dog he's just a happy-go- lucky kind of guy.

The argument that men are stronger, or faster, or whatever, than women is silly, since people are not talking insects. That is, we perform to whatever level, in various activities, based upon the interactions/experiences that we as individuals have with other people and things. Otherwise, without such interactions, one would not even be able to speak a language, much less communicate his or her inner feelings, or reveal his or her powers - and weaknessesin either a work or sports venue, for example.

Finally, both fathers and mothers must teach their daughters, at a very young age, that they are equals of ALL people, regardless of societal constructs like “gender” and “race”. However, when I say “equal”, I do not mean “same”. These two concepts are often intermingled, in order to make it appear as if they have some similar qualities. They do not. As a matter of fact, the idea that equality means sameness is precisely the argument/excuse for systems of exploitation and oppression like sexism and racism. After all, having two equal size slices of pie is completely different than two individuals having equal human rights. Peace.

G. Djata Bumpus Read full post

Looking back, on my 60th birthday, about being a Father

Kwame, 1975 Boston (Roxbury). Namandje, Penn's Landing, Philly 1981, Tia, South Philly 1985.

Dear friends,

Here I was, 1965, on a very hot July day, in the Roxbury section of Boston , sitting there, all by myself, on the concrete steps of my seven stories-high building, in the Mission Hill Extension Housing Projects, with no one else in the whole world around.

All of my friends, or even cats who I didn’t run with, had gone somewhere with their fathers, including those whose fathers didn’t live with them.

Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I said to myself, "I don't have a father."

While I was a precocious and tough kid - and a knucklehead wherever I was, I still did something that was totally out of character for me. That is, I grabbed my face in my hands and started crying uncontrollably, while, simultaneously, wailing repeatedly, "I don't have a father!".

This went on for about only a minute or so, before I pulled myself together and started sniffling and wiping away my tears, while still reminding myself, "I don't have a father.".

There was still no one around. No one to console me. I wouldn't have wanted that anyway. I was too tough!

Yet, when I finally stopped crying, I said to myself, "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a father, and I ain't never leavin' my kids...and I'm gonna teach them how to do EVERYTHING."

As is now, 49 years later, public record, I kept my word to the 11 years-old boy/myself.

Moreover, when recently asked: Whom do you most admire?...I answered: I admire my three children.

In 1993, the oldest, my son, Kwame (38), who was already a legend in Western Mass., during his senior year at Amherst Regional High School, was both the Western Massachusetts 100-meters dash champion in track and field, and the Western Mass High School Chess Champion. He later became an undefeated professional boxer who fought on TV a couple of times. In January (2013), he returned from a tour of duty in Afghanistan with the U.S. Army.

My oldest daughter and middle child, Namandje (32), is a highly-regarded scientist and professor at the world-renowned Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore, Md.

The youngest, my daughter Tia (29), is about two or so years away from finishing the prestigious MD/PhD program at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in Worcester.

And I am the only person on the planet Earth who was there with each of them, from the moment that s/he was born, until they were legal adults! Most of all, at least for me, my children are not my property; rather they are my legacy.

Cheers!

G. Djata Bumpus

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A Father's message to young parents and others [Raising your daughter(s), Pt. 3] - first posted 11/25/08

In light of the recent Sarah Palin spectacle, how can you teach your daughter that she is equal to everyone else in capabilities, based upon the reality that everyone has both strengths and weaknesses?



Dr. Namandje Ne'fertiti Bumpus
*****************************************
Dear friends,

In light of the recent Sarah Palin spectacle, how can you teach your daughter that she is equal to everyone else in capabilities, based upon the reality that everyone has both strengths and weaknesses?

The first thing that you have to do is start teaching her to be comfortable with making judgments and decisions. As human beings, we are always making judgments, just to walk up a flight of stairs, or put the "right" amount of food on a fork, for that matter.

Nevertheless, ours is a sexist society that deliberately has its institutions set up to make girls and women feel inferior, so that men can have a false sense of superiority and, thus, hide their insecurities and inadequacies. Yet, those inner fears of males have a great deal to do with murder, lecherous greed, and other insults that people impose on one another that are so rampant in human civilization.

Therefore, as her father, you must give your daughter(s) the space to take chances and make judgments on her own, instead of doing everything for her or babying her. These days, there are many activities, including various games and sports that she can play and, simultaneously, gain confidence in her ability to make good choices.

What happens far too often, unfortunately, is: Many men tend to pamper their daughters to the point where the latter feel insecure about decision-making, because their “Daddy” always takes care of everything. By her teenage years, she meets some knucklehead who is trying to impress her by “taking charge – and care - of her”. The girl becomes comfortable with that, because she learned that a little whining or whatever she did to manipulate her father gets her whatever it is that she wants. Then, for whatever reason, the boy does not deliver. Or, even worse, gets her involved in something that alters the direction of her life. Before long, she begins to feel that every time she makes a decision, it is the “wrong” one. Next, comes the depression, distrust for others, alcohol, pills and other drugs, as she tries to run from herself. Meanwhile, she continues to find herself in relationships where someone else makes the decisions (e.g., spending money) for her.

The other day, during a phone conversation with my middle child (now adult) and oldest daughter who is a professor and medical scientist at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, she mentioned that even while doing sports, many young girls are afraid to take chances. She gave an example about having to deal with that when she coached a young girl's basketball team a few years back, and how the boys would dive after the loose ball, but the girls (often having been told to not "scrape up" their knees by their mothers) would just let the ball roll right by them. I asked her to write it down, and this is what she had to say, below:

The point I was making was not about them not wanting to scrape their knees. I don't think they even thought that far ahead because it was such a programmed response, and it has nothing to do with that. It is so much bigger than that, and to say that they didn't dive for simple fear of scraping their knees is much like saying (as you always taught me) that celebrating Black History Month is only about noting the accomplishments and inventions of individuals.

It is a minor thread of an intricately woven fabric. It has to do with creating this distinct line between how girls (women) and how boys (men) are supposed to act with respect to their roles in society. It is complete nonsense. To say that a man should be paying for something because he is male and it is his job is to accept that women should also play into the role of being less capable.

Gender is much different than sex and we have to eliminate it. Sex is, of course, biologically relevant but gender roles are social constructions that are completely out-dated. We cannot be okay with getting rid of some and not getting rid of others. Instead of this idea of what a "man" is or a "woman" is, which means nothing, we all need to be viewed simply as human beings with the ability and responsibility to contribute equally to society.

Particular interactions and relationships, therefore, must be governed by principles. They should not be connected by gender-related expectations. For instance , equal pay for equal work and the acknowledgment that decisions regarding monetary contributions to the household should be based on financial health and strength and not gender. There are obvious biological differences between males and females. Certainly, males and females are not the same. However, those differences have no bearing on my ability or responsibility with regard to paying a mortgage, dinner bill or engaging in service to my community and society.

Those are my thoughts, basically; you have heard it before.

Namandje
Thanks, Dr. Bumpus. Enough said.

Peace & Love,

G. Djata Bumpus Read full post

Some thoughts from a Father about Raising your Daughters and "Equality"

Dr. Namandje Bumpus (left) with sister Tia (MD/PhD candidate)

Dear friends,

Being the same has nothing to do with equality, when we are speaking about the rights of either a person or all people to be treated “equally”. The idea of “sameness as being equal” is the intellectual basis upon which systems of oppression like racism and sexism flourish.

Consequently, a person does not have to run as fast as you, jump as high as you, lift as much weight as you, fist-fight as good as you, or have as much money as you, to be equal to you. Do ya feel me?

You are, in fact, equal, because you are both human individuals. Moreover, if you compare any individual with yourself, you will find: 1) You each require food and drink, in periodic intervals, and then must expel the waste from those activities, or you will cease to exist in the form of a living being. 2) You each feel lonely and separate, as individual beings, even when you are sleeping beside someone, because even then , you still must sleep on your own; that is, no one can do that for you. 3) No matter how few or many, you each have physical, mental, and emotional shortcomings. Every single person does. 4) You can each do well at one thing, but do poorly at some other activity. That is why you are equal to everyone, and everyone is equal to you. That simple truism, especially, includes the mother(s) of your child(ren). It is extremely important that you appreciate that notion, because if your child sees her mother treated as an equal, she will expect that same kind of treatment for herself - from others, when she is grown, and, therefore, be less likely to hook up with some knucklehead who will mess her life up.

Obviously, as it is for a boy, the way that a girl is raised will have a great deal to do with how well she fares in life as an adult. Yet, unfortunately, starting when they are very young, most girls are raised in a way that makes them feel that they should use manipulation and deceit, by being allowed to cry and whine, and so forth, in order to get what they want in life. Boys are not raised that way. Instead, boys are treated differently. They are told not to cry (as I insisted not only for my son, but my daughters too).

The crying and whining teaches them nothing about positive, sincere interaction with another person, especially a boy or a man. That means that they will not, like boys, learn social skills that will make them not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, self-sufficient. Consequently, far too often, girls are socialized to ignore their need to develop skills that will allow them to acquire whatever they need or want without having to depend on the gullibility and insecurities of boys and men. And these days, with the confusing concept of “sexual identity” in vogue, other girls and women are even included in that equation, that is, using other females as means to their ends, as well.

So, my main point here is: From the moment that they come into this world, always think of your daughters as - and teach them to be - physically-, mentally-, and emotionally-capable human beings who both recognize and use their inner powers like discipline, concentration, memory, and responsibility, to name a few, so that they will be able to accomplish goals on their own, thus controlling and determining their own destinies. They are, after all, equal to everyone else. Dig? Peace.

G. Djata Bumpus Read full post

Reflecting on Fatherhood

Kwame, 1975 Boston. Namandje, Penn's Landing, Philly 1981, Tia, South Philly 1985.

Dear friends,

Here I was, 1965, on a very hot July day, in the Roxbury section of Boston, sitting there, all by myself, on the concrete steps of my seven stories-high building, in the Mission Hill Extension  Housing Projects, with no one else in the whole world around.

All of my friends, or even cats who I didn’t run with, had gone somewhere with their fathers, including those whose fathers didn’t live with them.

Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I said to myself, "I don't have a father."

While I was a precocious and tough kid - and a knucklehead wherever I was, I still did something that was totally out of character for me. That is, I grabbed my face in my hands and started crying uncontrollably, while, simultaneously, wailing repeatedly, "I don't have a father!".

This went on for about only a minute or so, before I pulled myself together and started sniffling and wiping away my tears, while still reminding myself, "I don't have a father.".

There was still no one around. No one to console me. I wouldn't have wanted that anyway. I was too tough.

Yet, when I finally stopped crying, I said to myself, "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a father, and I ain't never leavin' my kids...and I'm gonna teach them how to do EVERYTHING."

As is now, 48 years later, public record, I kept my word to the 11 years-old boy/myself.

Moreover, when recently asked: Whom do you most admire?...I answered: I admire my three children. 

In 1993, the oldest, my son, Kwame (38), who was already a legend in Western Mass., during his senior year at Amherst Regional High School, was both the Western Massachusetts 100-meters dash champion in track and field, and the Western Mass High School Chess Champion. He later became an undefeated professional boxer who fought on TV a couple of times. In January (2013), he returned from a tour of duty in Afghanistan with the U.S. Army.

My oldest daughter and middle child,  Namandje (32), is a highly-regarded scientist and professor at the world-renowned Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore, Md.

The youngest, my daughter Tia (28), is about two or so years away from finishing the prestigious MD/PhD program at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in Worcester. 

Cheers!

G. Djata Bumpus

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The late, great Curtis Mayfield still reminds us....

"Fathers and Mothers should remember what the great Curtis Mayfield sang, "Keep on keepin' on" "


Dear friends,

During the era of the Black Consciousness Movement (@1965-1985), at least to me, there was not one other popular artist who was more consistent and prolific with songs of inspiration and love , specifically, for African American people than Curtis Mayfield. Bar none. And I'm not intending to trivialize all of the great work from artists like Gil Scott-Heron, Elaine Brown (of the Black Panther Party), or Stevie Wonder.

In any case, from songs like "People Get Ready", "Amen":, and "We're a Winner" while being the lead songwriter and vocalist for the Impressions to his debut solo album, to "Roots", then "Superfly", all the way to the soundtracks of both "Claudine", performed by Gladys Knifgt and the Pips, as well as "Sparkle", perfprmed by Aretha Franklin, to "Thee's No Place LIke America", Curtis Mayfield served as one of the finest artists, of any cultural group, ever.

On the link below, I'd like to share one of his manu memorable works. I found it recently on YouTube.

One Love, One Heart, One Spirit,
G. Djata Bumpus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h4xxC0xQVc Read full post

Sandy Banks asks: Who Gets to Define Motherhood?

"Lazhanae was the third of nine children of 33-year-old Shamana Johnson, a single mother who had served time in prison and had a history of substance abuse..."

(originally posted 10/20/09) Dear friends,

What makes a goood mother? Is it her mental stability? If that is the case, then there are few good mothers or fathers out here. After all, ours is not a very sane society. Consequently, perhaps, it is instructive for us to consider developing genuine communities in America. Presently, there are none.

In any case, on the link below, the very special Sandy Banks of the Los Angeles Times gives us a great deal about which to think.

One Love,
G. Djata Bumpus
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-banks17-2009oct17,0,2924863.column Read full post

A Father's Message to Male Urban Youth – Raising your daughter(s) in a “non-sexual” way (originally posted 9/26/09)

“Recent news about actress Mackenzie Phillips’ “consensual” sexual relationship with her now deceased father..,”

Hey baby brothers,

Recent news about actress Mackenzie Phillips’ “consensual” sexual relationship with her now deceased father, John Phillips, a legendary singer of North American folk music during, mostly, the 1960s, has brought the issue of incest out into the open, in the same way that a pre-teen child porn “star” named Brooke Shields did in the Hollywood production “Pretty Baby”, back in 1977 (when child pornography was still legal), with her portrayal of a 12 years-old prostitute that included fully frontal and rear view nudity as well as sexual scenes and dialogue which revealed the ubiquitous existence of the child pornography market. Both of these abuses (incest and child pornography) are largely the result of Male Supremacy (euphemistically-called “sexism”). However, there is something dubious going on here as well, since Brooke Shields was, allegedly, being exploited, by her mother – not her father.

Also, there is both the story and trial of R&B singer R. Kelly who had sex with a pair of females that included a mother and her 13 years-old daughter (which, aside from Kelly, was, obviously, about drugs/money/cheap pleasure for the mother too).

First of all, young fellows, your child is not your property. Moreover, as opposed to a son, for the female child it can be extra detrimental to both her mental and physical well-being, if the father sees her as his property, because he may very well use his daughter as a surrogate wife whenever he is not getting along well with the latter. Even worse, as his “property”, like a dog or a cat, he may then treat his female offspring anyway that he chooses, feeling justified in doing so. Besides, except for spending money on their clothes, because clothes for girls are often more expensive than they are for boys, generally-speaking, I followed the belief, “Whatever I do with my son, I do with my daughters. Whatever I don’t do with my son, I don’t do with my daughters.”

In any case, I grew up, during the 1950s and 1960s, in a household that consisted of a single mother who had six sons – no daughters. Nevertheless, as a little boy, I would hear stories about brothers doing what I considered sexual things with their sisters. It sounded strange to me, since my brothers and I never desired, much less experienced, any kind of sexual contact with each other. In fact, as the child of a highly religious “West Indian” woman, to this day, I really cannot recall ever wanting or having to see a single one of my brothers nude, nor they me (and our ages now range from 52 to 62 years-old). Therefore, the very thought of incest is incredibly strange to me.

Still, I must recall an incident that happened, in 1985, soon after the birth of my second daughter (who is the youngest of my three children). At the time, my then young family was still living in Philly.

At any rate, I was invited by a female Jewish friend (who was a local college professor) to the bas mitzvah for her 13 years-old daughter. After the events of the afternoon at my friend’s synagogue, about a dozen of us (mostly her relatives) ended up at the home of my here-to-mentioned friend’s brother.

Everyone was gathered in the living room. I sat in a chair across from her brother, a middle-aged man, as he sat with his legs stretched out on his couch, while his teenage daughter sat on the opposite end of the same couch with her feet and legs relaxed on top of her father’s lap. Meanwhile, as he was the host and doing much of the talking, I sat there cringing for the next couple of hours of the visit as this “father” carefully and constantly massaged his daughter’s bare feet, while, simultaneously, running his fingers through her toes the entire time. Again, this was a young woman of maybe 18 years, not an infant or toddler. No one else was saying anything about it, so I just figured that it was a cultural thing and, perhaps, customary for Jewish men to caress their daughters in such a way, regardless of their ages.

Still, it was making me sick. Moreover, I told myself that neither my oldest daughter who was four years-old at the time, nor my youngest who had been born only two months earlier would ever experience such a, perhaps seemingly, innocent-to- some, “violation” when she reaches the age of the aforementioned teenager.

By the way, after that afternoon/early evening, I never saw either the brother again or his daughter. And, as far as my friend, unfortunately, events lead us to disconnect, soon after that day, mostly due to our different directions involving family and life. So I have no idea about what ever happened to her then teenage niece, as far as how the young woman’s life went as an older adult. Yet, I am sure that her relationships with men must have been made quite difficult.

Of course, before little girls become teens, the problems start for them with many of their own fathers. I cannot imagine that it is intended by these Dads. Still, at least for me, I never ever held either one of my daughters even on my lap, after she was around two years-old or so, because I did not want them to think that it was okay for them to sit on a male’s lap, until they were mature enough to relate to a male in an erotic way. Strangely enough, until he was at the age where he was ready for high school, I did not stop kissing my son (the oldest) on the side of his mouth when bidding him farewell for a trip or something. However, I deliberately stopped kissing each of my daughters altogether before either was even in the first grade. I always thought of that man on the couch.

Too often when couples break up, men who have developed far too intimate relationships with their daughter(s) find themselves, perhaps unwittingly, like John Phillips, engaging in unthinkable behavior with their daughters that should only be done with one’s wife or mate. There are plenty of boys and men in this world who can be intimate with your daughter(s). Leave that to those fellows. All you need to be is their father – the man who protects, provides for, and guides them. Your intimacy with your daughter(s) should only be intellectual (i.e., within the context of sharing ideas). It should never be either emotional or physical.

Finally, let your daughter(s) feel safe when she/they think of you. Let her/them feel safe, whenever she is/they are with you. Let her/them feel safe to say anything that is on her/their mind(s) to you. - free from any physical or emotional dominance, or sexual vulgarity by you. Again, please let your daughter(s) experience touching, kissing, and other forms of intimacy somewhere else. Besides, intimacy and sex are not necessarily related to one another. As well, there are, literally, billion of boys and men from whom females have to choose for intimate contact as they grow up. Your female offspring (or male ones, for that matter), should have no reason to be either emotionally or physically intimate with you. For that, they just do not need you. Moreover, as her/their father, and for the sake of your daughter(s), you must find a way, through your own personality, life experiences, and beliefs to never allow yourself to be that “intimate” person. PERIOD!!!

Until next time. Peace.

G. Djata Bumpus Read full post

A Real Solution for Teenage Pregnancy (newly-edited version of original post of 3/13/10)

“It starts with the dolls” - Dr. Namandje N. Bumpus
Dear friends,

Lately, there’s been a lot of talk, regarding 90 teenage girls who are currently pregnant, at one particular high school in Memphis, Tennessee. Yet, at least to me, the whole approach of psychologists and sociologists to both sex education and teenage pregnancy won’t bring about a solution. Worse yet, the aforementioned so-called social scientists analyze people as if we are talking insects; that is, they act as if we are the same creatures, regardless of our social interactions and experiences. And so, they constantly come up with alleged methodologies for distinguishing “patterns” of behavior. Amazingly, these here-to-mentioned “social scientists” claim their “theories” to be so succinct that they must be the envy of physical scientists.

“It starts with the dolls”, one of my two daughters, Dr. Namandje Bumpus, a professor and research scientist at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, insists. She says that girls are socialized to fail at being fully human the moment that they are given dolls. In other words, parents and others set them up, albeit unwittingly.

In, especially, post-agricultural societies, there are far too many roles for females to play outside of a nursery. Male Supremacy (the euphemistic term for “sexism”) sees this dilemma differently, of course, particularly since it (Male Supremacy) is responsible for the turn of events that creates teenage pregnancy in this advanced civilization, in the first place.

Of course, human oppression and exploitation themselves in human civilization, specifically, started many millennia ago, with Male Supremacy, as males began taking advantage of females due to their monthly periodicity and child-bearing capabilities. As sexist values would have it, these female strengths just mentioned became deemed as weaknesses. Even worse, through time, females themselves began to accept their “roles” as the “weaker” – or lesser - sex as “natural“.

In time, males started mistreating each other, with the excuse that the latter were like females. Hence, the pejorative expression in modern times when a male is displeased with another male is, “Ah man, you’re acting like a bitch.”

Nevertheless, at a very young age, girls need to know that males will impregnate anybody who gives them the opportunity. Here’s a short, but true, story that I’ve told young girls, for roughly a few decades. It goes like this:

Around 1981, I was walking with my then six years-old son, Kwame, on the always busy Market Street in Center City (i.e., downtown), Philadelphia.

As we crossed a street continuing down Market, we noticed a “deformed”, 20-something African American woman laying on a gurney who made moaning sounds as she begged passers-by to put money in a bucket that was on the ground in front of her. All four of her limbs (i.e., arms and legs) were only about six inches-long each. Standing next to her was a fellow about 30 years-old, not a bad-looking guy, slightly above average height, holding a baby.

Now, I must mention that this particular woman was featured about every five years or so in the famous African American weekly called Jet magazine. Nevertheless, in spite of her deformity, the magazine always showed her relative independence which included living on her own as a “single” mother. For instance, they would show pictures of her changing her baby’s diapers or writing down notes with her feet, or using a pencil or pen.

As a matter of fact, while I would get used to seeing her in Center City for a number of years after that day, that was the first time that I had ever seen her in person (i.e., outside of Jet magazine).

At any rate, as I kept walking with my small son, he said, excitedly, “Look Daddy. That woman doesn’t have any arms or legs!” I responded, “She doesn’t have any integrity either, Kwame.” A European American woman who was walking directly behind us laughed out loud in apparent agreement with my assertion.
You see, I was upset with the woman on the gurney, because the begging didn’t seem necessary. But I was even more upset with the pathetic guy standing with her who may have been the father of her child. (And she had another child, apparently by a different man who I saw accompanying her, a year or so after that).

The moral of the story is: Guys will have sex with anyone, so young girls, especially adolescents, don’t need to worry about “getting’ a man”. Please tell that tale to young girls who you know.

By the way, over the years, not a single one of the many young girls with whom I’ve shared that story has ever gotten pregnant as a teen, when I’ve run into them in their early to middle Twenties.

Of course, there are other inspiring stories, and being given some direction in life helps a great deal. Nonetheless, in a genuinely safe, loving environment, at home and in school, where, from birth, young people are encouraged, motivated, and inspired to excel, while parents, guardians, and other elders in the community, along with their school teachers, guide the aforementioned youngsters so that they learn how to show care and concern for, try to understand, and feel responsible towards other people - and “things” like their school work and house chores, such youngsters will have a better chance of either recognizing or not recognizing those traits just mentioned in others. That will help them in choosing happy, healthy friendships and other non-familial relationships.

By the way, my other daughter, Tia, is more than halfway through an MD/PhD program at another major medical school. Also, both she and her sister excelled at several sports and forms of art when they were growing up, prior to college. Children need experiences with success at home and in school. Please remember that success in sports and arts, for example, brings confidence. Moreover, confidence nourishes the soil from which self-esteem grows.

Consequently, whether female or male, all young people need to experience success at something other than dressing dolls – whether Barbie or GI Joe. If they get into the habit of that, then they will stay away from people and activities that contradict the notion of having a successful experience. Dig?

So, in this day and age, should females feel obligated to have kids? Additionally, is a female’s worth diminished because she’s not a mother? If your answer to the aforementioned inquiry is in the affirmative, then I must ask: is the value in that logic based upon the same lame ticket that Male Supremacy aka sexism sells. Worse yet, is it right?

Still, at least to me, our biggest problem is not the economy, global warming, or even nuclear war, much less teenage pregnancy or childhood obesity. Rather, it’s violence against females. Let’s keep it real!
By the way, while I have added a few comments here, a woman commented on the original piece that was posted on March 13th of 2010. It’s pretty powerful, what she had to say. Check it out!

Finally, please stop giving dolls to little girls. Buy them build-it-yourself models, chemistry sets, and mechanical gadgets instead. Help them discover all of the wonderful powers inside of them, like both physical and mental energy, memory, focus, and much more. Most importantly, as the great Khalil Gibran taught us, please pass on to both your daughters and sons, “You can’t control what other people think of you...Only you can control what you think of you.”

Cheers!

G. Djata Bumpus
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