A Father's Message to Male Urban Youth – Raising your daughter(s) in a “non-sexual” way (originally posted 9/26/09)

“Recent news about actress Mackenzie Phillips’ “consensual” sexual relationship with her now deceased father..,”

Hey baby brothers,

Recent news about actress Mackenzie Phillips’ “consensual” sexual relationship with her now deceased father, John Phillips, a legendary singer of North American folk music during, mostly, the 1960s, has brought the issue of incest out into the open, in the same way that a pre-teen child porn “star” named Brooke Shields did in the Hollywood production “Pretty Baby”, back in 1977 (when child pornography was still legal), with her portrayal of a 12 years-old prostitute that included fully frontal and rear view nudity as well as sexual scenes and dialogue which revealed the ubiquitous existence of the child pornography market. Both of these abuses (incest and child pornography) are largely the result of Male Supremacy (euphemistically-called “sexism”). However, there is something dubious going on here as well, since Brooke Shields was, allegedly, being exploited, by her mother – not her father.

Also, there is both the story and trial of R&B singer R. Kelly who had sex with a pair of females that included a mother and her 13 years-old daughter (which, aside from Kelly, was, obviously, about drugs/money/cheap pleasure for the mother too).

First of all, young fellows, your child is not your property. Moreover, as opposed to a son, for the female child it can be extra detrimental to both her mental and physical well-being, if the father sees her as his property, because he may very well use his daughter as a surrogate wife whenever he is not getting along well with the latter. Even worse, as his “property”, like a dog or a cat, he may then treat his female offspring anyway that he chooses, feeling justified in doing so. Besides, except for spending money on their clothes, because clothes for girls are often more expensive than they are for boys, generally-speaking, I followed the belief, “Whatever I do with my son, I do with my daughters. Whatever I don’t do with my son, I don’t do with my daughters.”

In any case, I grew up, during the 1950s and 1960s, in a household that consisted of a single mother who had six sons – no daughters. Nevertheless, as a little boy, I would hear stories about brothers doing what I considered sexual things with their sisters. It sounded strange to me, since my brothers and I never desired, much less experienced, any kind of sexual contact with each other. In fact, as the child of a highly religious “West Indian” woman, to this day, I really cannot recall ever wanting or having to see a single one of my brothers nude, nor they me (and our ages now range from 52 to 62 years-old). Therefore, the very thought of incest is incredibly strange to me.

Still, I must recall an incident that happened, in 1985, soon after the birth of my second daughter (who is the youngest of my three children). At the time, my then young family was still living in Philly.

At any rate, I was invited by a female Jewish friend (who was a local college professor) to the bas mitzvah for her 13 years-old daughter. After the events of the afternoon at my friend’s synagogue, about a dozen of us (mostly her relatives) ended up at the home of my here-to-mentioned friend’s brother.

Everyone was gathered in the living room. I sat in a chair across from her brother, a middle-aged man, as he sat with his legs stretched out on his couch, while his teenage daughter sat on the opposite end of the same couch with her feet and legs relaxed on top of her father’s lap. Meanwhile, as he was the host and doing much of the talking, I sat there cringing for the next couple of hours of the visit as this “father” carefully and constantly massaged his daughter’s bare feet, while, simultaneously, running his fingers through her toes the entire time. Again, this was a young woman of maybe 18 years, not an infant or toddler. No one else was saying anything about it, so I just figured that it was a cultural thing and, perhaps, customary for Jewish men to caress their daughters in such a way, regardless of their ages.

Still, it was making me sick. Moreover, I told myself that neither my oldest daughter who was four years-old at the time, nor my youngest who had been born only two months earlier would ever experience such a, perhaps seemingly, innocent-to- some, “violation” when she reaches the age of the aforementioned teenager.

By the way, after that afternoon/early evening, I never saw either the brother again or his daughter. And, as far as my friend, unfortunately, events lead us to disconnect, soon after that day, mostly due to our different directions involving family and life. So I have no idea about what ever happened to her then teenage niece, as far as how the young woman’s life went as an older adult. Yet, I am sure that her relationships with men must have been made quite difficult.

Of course, before little girls become teens, the problems start for them with many of their own fathers. I cannot imagine that it is intended by these Dads. Still, at least for me, I never ever held either one of my daughters even on my lap, after she was around two years-old or so, because I did not want them to think that it was okay for them to sit on a male’s lap, until they were mature enough to relate to a male in an erotic way. Strangely enough, until he was at the age where he was ready for high school, I did not stop kissing my son (the oldest) on the side of his mouth when bidding him farewell for a trip or something. However, I deliberately stopped kissing each of my daughters altogether before either was even in the first grade. I always thought of that man on the couch.

Too often when couples break up, men who have developed far too intimate relationships with their daughter(s) find themselves, perhaps unwittingly, like John Phillips, engaging in unthinkable behavior with their daughters that should only be done with one’s wife or mate. There are plenty of boys and men in this world who can be intimate with your daughter(s). Leave that to those fellows. All you need to be is their father – the man who protects, provides for, and guides them. Your intimacy with your daughter(s) should only be intellectual (i.e., within the context of sharing ideas). It should never be either emotional or physical.

Finally, let your daughter(s) feel safe when she/they think of you. Let her/them feel safe, whenever she is/they are with you. Let her/them feel safe to say anything that is on her/their mind(s) to you. - free from any physical or emotional dominance, or sexual vulgarity by you. Again, please let your daughter(s) experience touching, kissing, and other forms of intimacy somewhere else. Besides, intimacy and sex are not necessarily related to one another. As well, there are, literally, billion of boys and men from whom females have to choose for intimate contact as they grow up. Your female offspring (or male ones, for that matter), should have no reason to be either emotionally or physically intimate with you. For that, they just do not need you. Moreover, as her/their father, and for the sake of your daughter(s), you must find a way, through your own personality, life experiences, and beliefs to never allow yourself to be that “intimate” person. PERIOD!!!

Until next time. Peace.

G. Djata Bumpus